The Calling (A Seminarian's Love)

I am John Allen Rogers, the only child of Victor and Mary Jane Rogers. I grew up on a farm 18 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. When I was seven years old, Father told me that before he met Mom, he attended Kenrick–Glennon Seminary at Shrewsbury, St. Louis County in Missouri for five years. This, I believe, was before he was able to discern that God was calling him to the vocation of marriage.

I also believe that through Father’s experience at the seminary, he developed great friendships. He is still maintaining his contact with his friends who decided to continue their lives inside the seminary and those who went outside like him to marry. Mom used to attend a Catholic boarding school at Mundelein, Illinois. Her family has always been very religious. Three of her uncles became Benedictine priests and three aunts became sisters in the same religious order. Thus, I grew up in contact with my relatives who had been called to religious vocations. I am comfortable with that possibility for myself.

In my early teenage years, we would travel to Kenrick–Glennon Seminary for Dad's seminary reunions. It was then that I began to think of becoming a priest. This religious calling was so strong but not until some things occurred in me, like discovering the feeling in the outside world… like falling in love.

When I was 16, my parents and I moved to Maryland. In the old city of Baltimore, Mom and Dad bought a house for our small family. I continued my studies in Parkville High School and there I managed to get good grades and meet new friends. In that school, I met her—my younger sister, my best friend, the only girl in the room whose innocent face caught my eyes and my heart. She is Katelyn Tucker.

I can still vividly remember that time when I first saw her. She was sitting in the left corner of the room reading a book. She was wearing reading glasses. Beside her is an empty seat so I decided to sit near her. When I finally placed my bag on the arm chair, I looked at her face. She didn’t look at me. That time, I was able to see closely how beautiful she is. However, there’s something in her face that seemed to have tainted the beauty that I saw. She seemed sad and reserved.

I wanted to talk to her and introduce myself, but I was afraid that she might have this impression that I’m arrogant or conceited. Despite the fear of having a bad image, I didn’t want to lose the perfect opportunity to befriend her that morning. I gathered my courage and shifted my body facing her.

“Hi, I’m John Rogers,” I said while extending my arm for a handshake. “I’m a transferee from Pennsylvania.”

She removed her glasses and inserted a bookmark before closing the book she was reading. She placed the book on her arm chair and reached for my hand. She looked at me in the eye. I was dazzled.

“I’m Katelyn. Katelyn Tucker,” she said this without smiling. I wonder if she was disturbed in her reading or if she was irritated. I decided to continue the conversation.

“What book are you reading?”

She checked the title as if she had no idea of what she was reading.

“Pride and Prejudice,” she answered.

“That’s by Jane Austen, right? You like reading Classics?”

“Yeah.”

I wanted to get to know her more and ask questions that would lead me to inviting her for lunch, but the professor arrived. She sat properly and I noticed that she didn’t want to talk and she only wanted to focus in listening to our Chemistry professor.

Days passed but Katelyn seemed to have been talking to me just because I am the one initiating a conversation. She remained shy and reserved, but I didn’t mind. I love talking to her. A day will not be complete without having a conversation with her, even if it’s just casual.

One day, I came to class ten minutes before the time. She was not yet there so I guessed she was just late for the first subject. Hours passed and she didn’t show up.

On a Thursday morning, while I was walking down the corridor going to our first subject, I was surprised to see Katelyn standing near the railings. I didn’t know why, but I suddenly felt happiness in seeing her again. I went to her hurriedly to ask about her absence the previous day.

“Hey! How are you?” I asked. I stood beside her in the balustrade. She didn’t answer nor give me a look. I presumed that in her case, it’s normal. I’ve known her as the type of girl who does not really smile or show any emotions. “You were absent last time, huh? What happened? I was—”

“Look, I’m trying to be alone here so please leave!” she shouted at me while looking straight to my eyes. That was the only time I noticed that her sad eyes were puffy. Probably, she cried a lot before I came. I was worried. I know that she was going through something. I wanted to know but who am I?

“Wait, I’m sorry, but—is there anything wrong? What’s the prob—”

“I said leave me alone! Can’t you see? I don’t need you here! Leave me alone!”

She was angry at me. She was already crying. I didn’t want to see her get mad and cry of being irritated just because of me.

“Katelyn, I—I’m sorry…”

I left her in the corridor even if I didn’t want to. I went to the classroom and sat on my chair asking myself if there’s anything I can do to comfort her. Again, I reminded myself that trying to help her might just make the scenario even worse.

Later on, she finally entered the room and sat beside me. We were both silent. After the first period, I left the room and stayed outside. I was surprised that she followed me. It was a total silence between us until she dared to speak.

“I’m sorry about what happened awhile ago,” she said.

“It’s alright. I’m also sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“You know, I’ve never been this close to anyone in school until you came. I don’t know why, but I just feel you’re a person whom I could share my thoughts with. You see, I don’t feel appreciated—in school and at home. Mom and Dad decided to live separately.” I saw how her eyes glistened with tears. “Dad married another woman making Mom really angry and miserable. She always goes home drunk. She avoids me and tells me to stay away from her. I don’t know what I have done to her that made her treat me this way,” she cried.

I placed my hand on her shoulder. That was the first time that she finally became a transparent person to me. She has shown her long-kept emotions. She cried and I told her it’s alright to release her burdens once in a while. I told her to always pray and trust the One who created us. I also promised her that I’ll say a prayer for her every night. She thanked me, and for the first time, she smiled at me. That was a smile that no other smile in the world could replace.

Katelyn and I have spent our high school lives as best friends. We have shared a lot of moments together and in my heart, I have this love which remained unknown to her ever since we’ve met. Graduation day came and sad to say, we had to live far from each other. I continued my studies in a Catholic School in Emmitsburg while Katelyn was sent to school by her Aunt in the University of Colorado to study there for three years. In the night of our graduation, we talked to each other and promised that someday, we’ll see each other again. That promise and all the letters we have written for each other were the things we held on to for four years of being separated.

My entire stay in Emmitsburg made me realize how much I love Katelyn and how much my heart desires to follow my calling. I thought that my childhood dream of becoming a priest was only one of my childish thoughts, but I was wrong. The Lord wanted me to surrender my life to Him and be of service to others. Four years of being away from Katelyn opened my heart to the great possibility of following the voice inside me. After I finished my studies in the Catholic boarding school, I’ve decided to go back to Baltimore before finally entering the seminary.

I wanted to surprise Katelyn so I never mentioned in my letters that I’ll come home the day after graduation. I went to the old bookstore in the city to look for any classic book that might interest her. I have known how much she loves reading that’s why I chose to give her a book as my present. I scanned the shelves for Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, but I wasn’t able to find any. Just when I was about to leave the store, I saw a familiar face. An innocent and beautiful face totally absorbed in reading. It was Katelyn.

I found myself stuck and couldn’t move. In front of me was the girl whom I love for a very long time. It’s real. She was in front of me. Before I had the chance to call her name, she was already facing me. I saw the smile on her face. The smile I’ve been longing to see for years.

“You’ve come back,” she said while reaching for my hands. “You never told me that you’re coming back.”

“Yes—I—I wanted to surprise you.”

“You’re still you. I mean, you look the same.”

“You’re more beautiful than the last time I saw you, Kate.”

           

We went to a coffee shop that day and talked about what had happened in our lives as if we were never updated through letters. We were both surprised to see and feel that nothing about us actually changed. Katelyn was still living with her mother and she was still searching for a job in the city. I told her about my plan of entering the seminary next month. I saw how her smiling face turned into a face devoid of emotion. That was the look I’ve never wanted to see. The mood began to change and I started to ask her if there’s anything wrong.

“Kate?”

“Yes?”

“Are you alright?” I asked before I started to drink coffee from my cup.

“Of course,” she faked a smile.

“I know you’re not. Tell me, what’s wrong? How’s your Mom?” I tried to change the subject of our conversation. I never wanted to talk to her about my calling.

“Nothing actually changed. It’s even worse now. Remember the last time I wrote you a letter?”

I recalled and I remembered what she said in her letter about two weeks ago. She said her mother gets worse every single day and that was something she couldn’t bear seeing. She also mentioned that in order to escape from the stifling home conditions and the kind of relationship they have, she goes out of the house everyday. She visits the old bookstore, spends her time in the park and comes home at night only to sleep.

“Oh yes, don’t worry. We could go out everyday and spend time together,” I told her.

“Till when? You said you want to become a priest. You’re entering the seminary next month. You’ll leave me again.”

There was silence. I tried to avoid the topic, but she brought it up again. After staying in the coffee shop, we went to the park to walk and see what changes happened in Baltimore. I missed the place so much. I missed her.

We both went home that night tired but happy. We promised to see each other again the next day. That night, I went home and stayed in my bed thinking of us. I thought of the possibility of entering the seminary or considering the thought of staying outside with my family and with her.

The next days with Katelyn were one of the happiest days in my life. One day, I woke up realizing how my strong love for her changed my conviction of following God’s calling. I went through several contemplation and self-questioning. I asked God to enlighten my mind and open my heart to see my purpose and my direction. God never failed to show me the way. He opened my eyes and told me what to do.

Meanwhile, Katelyn’s mother started to hurt her physically. One time, when her mom went home drunk, she helped her stand in the front porch, but her mother kept on cursing her. Katelyn was not able to stop herself from answering her mother. Her voice rose and her mother felt offended that’s why she slapped her on the face. Katelyn was deeply hurt by what happened. That was one of the reasons why sometimes, I thought of staying outside. I wanted to be with her while she was going through bad times. I wanted to comfort her and stay beside her when she cries.

Three days before I entered the seminary, I was left alone in the house. It was raining hard outside and my parents were out for a business trip in Pennsylvania. I heard footsteps and a crying voice outside. I rushed to the door to see who made the noise. I was shocked to see Katelyn—crying and completely soaked in the rain.

 “Kate! What happened?” I held her hand and brought her inside the house. “Why are you crying?”

She didn’t say a word. Instead, she embraced me and that answered all the questions I have in mind. I went to my room to get a towel and I went back to the living room bringing some of my mother’s clothes. After she took a bath and fixed herself, we stayed in front of the chimney to keep her warm.

“It’s your mom, am I right?”

She nodded. “She said she never wanted to have me in her life. She said I always remind her of Daddy.”

I saw how tears flowed down on her cheeks. I sat beside her and placed her head on my shoulder. For a while, I wrapped my arms around her to let her feel that she’s not alone… that I’ve been by her side from the very start.

“Kate, you are the reason why leaving for the seminary seems so hard. I want to be with you in times like this,” I looked at her face and I felt my heart pound. Her expressive eyes reminded me how much I love her and how much I wanted to stay with her. “Kate, I want to bring you away from all your worries. Your happiness is the most important thing to me.” I gathered all my courage and looked straight in her eyes. “I love you…”

She didn’t respond. I felt rejected. I sat and looked away from her face. Later on, she spoke. “You know, I thought you were just treating me as a younger sister from the very start. I never thought you’ll love someone like me. When you told me that you’ll enter the seminary, my heart broke. I cried a lot that night. It’s my first time to love someone and there you are, telling me that you want to become a—”

I held her hands and kissed her. Finally, I have told Katelyn how much I love her. That kiss sealed all the words that she was about to utter. I only have three things in my mind and in my heart that time—Katelyn, I and the love we have for each other.

A few days later, I entered the Kenrick–Glennon Seminary at Shrewsbury in Missouri. Every day, I prayed to the Lord to keep my family safe and to always keep Katelyn happy. I asked the Lord to give me a sign: that if my love for Katelyn is still here in my heart after four years, I’ll leave the seminary and face the altar for the second time around but with her as my bride.

Exactly four years had passed and I still have Katelyn in my heart and in my mind. I realized that I can love God just as much without having to serve Him as a priest. I decided to leave the seminary without knowing what awaits me outside. I went home in our house in Baltimore and learned from my parents that Katelyn was working as a pre-school teacher in a day care center, meters away from the old bookstore where we used to go. I also learned that two years ago, she started to live separately from her mother.

I never wanted to waste any time. Before I left Missouri, I bought a diamond wedding ring for Kate. That same day, I decided to surprise her with my proposal. In Parkville Nazarene Day Care, in the heart of the city, I found her. I stood at the door of the room where she was telling a story to her pupils. I waited for her to notice me. Our eyes met.

She stood up and walked towards me. When she finally reached where I stood, she stared at me with awe as if she could not believe that I was actually in front of her after four years.

“John, you’re back,” she said it with a smile. I noticed her eyes sparkle. “You surprised me again.”

I embraced her. I wrapped my arms around her like I never wanted to let her go. That embrace, I said to myself, is the prize of leaving the seminary and choosing her over my calling. I released her from my arms to finally ask her the question which brought me where she was that morning. I grabbed the tiny velvet box on my pocket.

“Will you marry me, Kate?”

She smiled at me and I saw tears roll down on her cheeks. There was no need for her to answer. I knew right then that it was the start of our forever.